Thursday, August 30, 2007

Humor: the "human age" of nations

[I received this as a chain letter. The original was in Spanish and claims to be written by someone by the name Hernán Casciari (supposedly from Argentina). Here's my attempt at an English translation]

I read once that Argentina is no worse or better than Spain, only younger.

I liked that theory so then I invented a trick to discover the true "mind age" of nations, taking the "dog system" as a base, and thus equaling countries' ages with human ages.

Since our childhood, we were told that to know if a dog was young or old, to get its "human age" we should multiply its biological age by 7. I found that to find the human age of a nation, we must divide its historical age by fourteen, to get the corresponding "human age" value.

Is it confusing? In this article I'll give you a few revealing examples:

Argentina was born in 1816, so it's already 190 years old. If we divide that age by 14, Argentina has a "human age" of 13 and a half years. That means it's a wanker, a rebel, questions authority, has no memory, answers everything without thinking, and it's full of pimples.

Almost all the countries in Latin America have the same age, and as it happens in that case, they get together, hang around doing nothing, and end up creating gangs.

The Mercosur* gang (Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Uruguay, Paraguay) are a group of teenagers that formed its own rock band. They rehearse in a garage, make a lot of noise, and still haven't got any album released.

Venezuela, which just got its tiny tits, it's about to join them to do the chrorus. In reality, as happens in most cases, she wants to have sex... in this case with Brasil, which has 14 years and a big penis.

Mexico is also a teenager, but with Indian roots. That's why it laughs so little and doesn't even smoke a joint, as the rest of their friends do. Instead, Mexico chews peyote, and hangs around the United States, a brain-damaged spoiled 17 years old rich kid whose idea of fun is attacking younger, starving six year olds in other continents.

In the other extreme is ancient China. If we divide its 1,200 years by 14 we get a "human age" of 85. China is a conservative old woman, that smells of cat pee, and which spends all day eating rice because it still doesn't have -but soon will- enough money to afford the machinery to create herself her own false teeth.

China has an 8 years old grandchild, Taiwan, which gives her hell. China says Taiwan is a walking menace.

China has been long divorced with Japan, an old grumpy man, which is living with the Philippines, a young bitch that does anything for money.

Then... we have the countries that are just old enough to vote and which go for a ride in their father's BMW... for instance, Australia and Canada, typical countries which grew in the safety and protection of its fathers, the UK and France, with a strict and aristocrathic education, and whom are now living a fast life.

Australia is a 18 years old bimbo, doing topless and having sex with South Africa, while Canada us a gay child living on his own... exploring the option of adopting Groenland as a baby to form one of those "alternative" families so much in vogue these days.

France is a divorced 36 years old woman, a sex machine, but very respected in professional and intellectual circles. She has a 6 years old son: Monaco, which is still undecided between being gay, a ballet dancer, or both.

France sometimes goes to bed with Germany, a rich truck driver which is married with Austria, which knows Germany cheats on her, but doesn't care.

Italy has been a widow for a long time. She lives taking care of San Marino and Vatican, two identical twins, with an uncanny resemblance to the sons of Ned Flanders on The Simpsons.

Italy had a second marriage with Germany... it didn't last long, but they had a child: Switzerland.

Italy would like to be as Belgium: an independent, professional lawyer, wearing suits and talking politics with the men. Belgium, in turn, sometimes wishes she could cook good pasta.

Spain is the most beautiful womam in Europe -probably on par with France, but France loses points by using so much parfume-.

Spain likes to wander around naked and is often drunk. Sometimes, she gets fucked by England... Spain allows that, but then has second thoughts and goes crying to the police to denounce it.

Spain has offspring everywhere -most of them around 13 years old, that live far away, in South America, all wankers. She loves them a lot, but it bothers her that every time the kids are hungry, they show up at her door, get inside without saying hi, and take food from her fridge.

Another country with lots of offspring is England. He sails off at night and fucks with teens far away, and nine months later there appears a new tiny new island. These new babys are protected by the mother, which maintains them from afar.

Scotland and Ireland are brothers of England, living upstairs. They live drunk and they suck at football (soccer). They're the shame of the family.

Sweden and Norway are two lesbians in their 40s. They're very slim and attractive, besides their age, but they are very self-centered and don't talk to anybody else. They fuck each other and work, because they have a good paying job doing... well... something. Sometimes, they envite Holland to a party (when they need weed).

Other times they show themselves to Finland, which is an androgynous 30 years old who lives alone in a tiny attic with no furniture, and cares only for his mobile phone. Finland's only purpose in life is speaking on its mobile, most of the time with South Korea.

South Korea: she lives a separate life with her schizoid sister, North. They're twins. But North Korea swallowed amniotic fluid at birth, and got brain-damaged and delusional. She spent her childhood playing with real firearms and now, living alone and secluded, is capable of going postal any minute.

The United States, the rich 17 years old dimwit, keeps a close eye on her... not because he's afraid, but because he wants to take all her guns.

Israel is a 62 years old intellectual that lived a shitty life. Some years ago, Germany, the truck driver, ran over her. Since that day, Israel went bonkers. Now, instead of sitting on a rocking chair and reading books, she spends her days at her rooftop, trowing things in Palestine's general direction. Palestine is a poor, uneducated and religious girl who's only trying to do her laundry.

Iran and Iraq were two 16 year olds who nicked bikes and sold those as parts. Until one day they stole the United States' bike and now they're going thru hell and repenting.

The World was fine as is, until one day Russia coupled with Perestroika -without marrying- and they had about a dozen children, all odd, some retarded, others schizoid.

A week ago, and thanks to some shooting with plenty of deaths, we the inhabitants of the World discovered that there's a new country out there named Kabardino-Balkaria. Another new country. With its own flag, president, anthem, and flag. And even people!.

I'm a bit scared to see so many baby countries appearing without notice, all of a sudden. That we learn about them by pure chance... and we have to pretend that we knew about them all along, not to be taken as ignorants.

And I ask myself.... Why are new countries being born, if the existing ones haven't managed to get their acts together yet?


Note: I translated this as I received it. Before some moron without a sense of humor flames me, keep in mind it's a joke. I'm 90% certain the mention of Israel and Palestine will get emotions high on people without humor. If you want, feel free to switch descriptions around, and it'll be funny as well!. I didn't author this, just translated it.

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